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Poopsickles for Marxist Foodies

Bob Payne April 5, 2022

HUSBAND: Honey, I just read about these guys who got the “Materials Science award” from the IgNoble® Awards, for experimenting with frozen knives made of human feces. They tried to replicate historical accounts of Inuit natives in the Arctic. The knives were probably used to carve animal flesh and hides. It gave me a great idea for starting a home business during the pandemic. We could make frozen potty knives and sell them online. You freeze it, cut and pop it back into the freezer. No-fuss, no contamination.

WIFE: John, I said you should find a hobby. I didn’t say you could stuff our freezer with poop!

HUSBAND: We could buy a chest freezer for the garage, and we could double our money if you’d, y’know, “contribute” as well.

WIFE: That’s a hard pass. Besides, how is a frozen potty knife supposed to get sharp enough to cut meat?

HUSBAND: Don’t worry, I tested it out. It just needs a little sawing. I could call our business “Doo-Doo Dandy™” and I’ve even come up with some other cool trademarks we could use, like “Look what BROWN can do for you™.”

WIFE: That probably infringes UPS’s trademark. (Pause) And thank you for that image. I’ll probably use FedEx from now on.

HUSBAND: Nah, it’s for completely different goods, so there’s no likelihood of confusion. Anyway, I spent the afternoon coming up with cool trademark ideas, like:

- Stooltoole™
- The No. 2 Blade™
- Crappy Cutter™
- Dung Ho!™ . . .

WIFE: (Wearily) “Stop, that’s enou…”

HUSBAND: . . . and PoopSickle™. Get it? Like the Soviet Union’s hammer and sickle.”

WIFE: Oh, wow! You’ll be the darling of Marxist foodies! Look, there’s just no way you are doing that in this house. I know you’re upset about losing your job, but let’s not risk starting a plague of excrement, no matter how well the knives cut.

(Grudgingly, Husband joins Wife on the couch to watch “Tiger King” yet again. After five minutes, Wife notices how still the house is. She starts to look around with growing apprehension.)

WIFE: Honey, . . . WHERE’S FLUFFY??

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Payne IP Law, San Jose, CA | Payne@BobPayne.com